Post the Sixth: On the eXtreme comfort of Nivea Shaving Gel

HOLY FUCK is this stuff comfortable! Sweet Mother of God, how I have longed for such a state of non-vexation! Aye, until now there has been an unquenched burning desire for comfort deep within me—far, far beneath my follicles, at the very core of my stubbly unconscious being!

My unconscious being, Yes! Nivea eXtreme comfort shaving gel batters me at the core of my personhood. I no longer just depilate—I peel back the psychical ravages of being-in-time and become again a babe suckling at its mother’s Arctic Fresh scented bosom!

Nivea eXtreme comfort shaving gel non-aerosol pump-dispenses rich lathering glossolalia in that linguistic register Julia Kristeva called the semiotic—a realm before and beyond words and meaning. Before trying Nivea eXtreme comfort shaving gel I scoffed at its claims. “Ha! eXtreme comfort,’ I thought. ‘Those words are merely the glib droolings of an overpaid marketing consultancy! eXtreme comfort, indeed! One might as well speak of “Awesome Adequateness” or “Sublime Mediocrity.” Oh, what is that you say? The eXtreme comfort comes from an “anti-irritation” formula? Oh, bully for you and your entire no-more-suppurating-wounds team! Now, leave me be to scrape my face with an amputated cat’s tongue and a meagre quantity of ice-cold water!’

How it shames me to write these pre-Damascene words now. Oh, ‘twas blind but now I see!

But, how does Nivea produce such eXtreme comfort? Three steps. First, every hazelnut-sized dollop dispensed into the palm of your hand starts with at least 23 faeries, who are harvested from a moonlit meadow before being processed in industrial-grade centrifuges at Nivea’s special maquiladora de higiene in a free-trade zone just outside Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. Then, Nivea takes this Pixie Comfort Essence and blends it with wing clippings from only the finest Cherubim and Seraphim kept for 42 days in battery cages at the ‘Lil Haloes angelculture processing facility of a Nivea agribusiness subsidiary located deep within Ozark Mountain Country. Finally, our team of white lab-coated shaveologists at Nivea Headquarters put extra capital X essence in it. That’s important, fellas—it’s what makes you want to do dangerous stuff and keeps you from wanting to pee sitting down!

And ladies, we haven’t forgotten about you! We’re just ignoring you! Our special manly formula uses smart technology to circumvent female usage and those annoying girl germs that often accompany it. We've formulated special gender-recognising corrosive nano-particles that chew through bikini lines like a rat through hot gruyere. Cuz there’s nothing womanly about eXtreme comfort.

Remember, eXtreme comfort—because regular comfort’s for pussies.