My unconscious
being, Yes! Nivea eXtreme
comfort shaving gel
batters me at the core of my personhood. I no longer just depilate—I peel back
the psychical ravages of being-in-time and become again a babe suckling at its
mother’s Arctic Fresh scented bosom!
Nivea
eXtreme comfort shaving gel non-aerosol
pump-dispenses rich lathering glossolalia in that linguistic register Julia
Kristeva called the semiotic—a realm before and beyond words and meaning.
Before trying Nivea eXtreme comfort shaving gel I scoffed at its claims. “Ha! eXtreme
comfort,’ I thought.
‘Those words are merely the glib droolings of an overpaid marketing
consultancy! eXtreme comfort, indeed! One might as well speak of “Awesome
Adequateness” or “Sublime Mediocrity.” Oh, what is that you say? The eXtreme
comfort comes from an “anti-irritation” formula? Oh, bully for you and your
entire no-more-suppurating-wounds
team! Now, leave me be to scrape my face with an amputated cat’s tongue and a
meagre quantity of ice-cold water!’
How it shames
me to write these pre-Damascene words now. Oh, ‘twas blind but now I see!
But, how does
Nivea produce such eXtreme comfort? Three steps. First, every hazelnut-sized dollop
dispensed into the palm of your hand starts with at least 23 faeries, who are
harvested from a moonlit meadow before being processed in industrial-grade
centrifuges at Nivea’s special maquiladora de higiene in a free-trade zone just outside Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. Then, Nivea takes
this Pixie Comfort Essence and blends it with wing clippings from only the
finest Cherubim and Seraphim kept for 42 days in battery cages at the ‘Lil
Haloes angelculture processing facility of
a Nivea agribusiness subsidiary located deep within Ozark Mountain Country.
Finally, our team of white lab-coated shaveologists at Nivea Headquarters put
extra capital X essence in it. That’s important, fellas—it’s what makes you
want to do dangerous stuff and keeps you from wanting to pee sitting down!
And ladies, we
haven’t forgotten about you! We’re just ignoring you! Our special manly formula
uses smart technology to circumvent female usage and those annoying girl germs
that often accompany it. We've formulated special gender-recognising corrosive nano-particles that chew through
bikini lines like a rat through hot gruyere. Cuz there’s nothing womanly about eXtreme
comfort.
Remember, eXtreme
comfort—because regular
comfort’s for pussies.
